from april to may

well.
i don`t even know if people read this blog anymore..
my thousands of readers probably all think i`m dead.
(:

but i still want to post ..
for the sake of posting
for the sake of feeling as though i am still, in some odd, twisted way, connected with the outside world.

i`ve done a lot of thinking this past month while taking a break. i stopped working in april and now, in may, i`m once again looking for a place to lavish my english skills on children. that sounds so incredibly .. not humble. but hey, that`s how it is.

i still don`t know what i want to do. i still don`t know what i am going to do. i still don`t know what i should do. i`m just as lost as i was 6 years ago. actually, i`m even more lost than then. at least when i first started college, i had a certain goal in my mind. then the years passed & i gave up. on everything, everyone. then i had one hope. & that hope then gave up on me.

now, in korea, in 2012, when the world will probably be destroyed [oh ha ha], i stand in the middle of a busy street full of busy people living busy lives, & i wonder ..
i don`t even know what i wonder about. i just wonder. i just sit at the window of starbucks, drinking my iced grande triple caramel macchiato, watching people with goals pass by me. does it seem strange that i would rather relive my past than jump into an unsure future filled with dreams and mysteries? does it seem pathetic that i let the past control my actions instead of having the future lead me?

yes, it does seem strange. yes, it does seem pathetic.

but through everything
the most strange, pathetic thing is the fact that
i have not learned anything from my mistakes.

my mistakes have remained as mistakes. my hurt has remained as hurt.
my maturity has remained as immature as the day i was born.
but it`s no longer innocence.
i lost that .. a long time ago.

now, i`m just as bruised, torn, broken, and shattered as the next person, except that my path to healing has been as bruised, torn, broken, and shattered. a road to healing filled with broken glass, thistles, trash, remains of my past, and black holes that represent my future. since when have i become this hopeless, this scared? i have no idea and i really don`t care to know .. how am i going to get myself out of this .. is no longer the question.

so what is the question ?
that i don`t know either ..




why haven`t i learned anything?
why haven`t i changed in any way?
why am i just as scared and immature as i have always been?

what have i done with my life?
what am i going to do with the rest of it?


i am
so apologetic
to God.