under the Tuscan sun

"how do you do it .. ? how do you breathe again .. ?" maybe I should go to Italy buy a villa and live with 28484291 cats ahah

eternal

sunshine
of the
spotless
mind












i didn`t understand it when i first watched it in high school
i thought that it was the most
eternally long
boring movie
ever
i fell asleep in the middle so i didn`t even know what it was about

then suddenly i wanted to watch it again today

      i don`t know why

but i wanted to
and in watching it again

the erasing
the deleting

that desire to forget
against the desire to hang on

the frantic fight against obliteration

i understand it now
& it kills me
that it`s a happy ending




i remember
wanting to forget
thinking of ways
scenarios
imagining happenings
desperately hoping for something
an accident
a coma
anything



i wonder
if i would have fought in the end like joel

but i`m too weak
i probably wouldn`t have
& that would be the best for me

if only it was possible

if only it is

.

to forget that i ever had this feeling

if only i could graph

EDIT //
the color was bothering me
i had to edit this post






if i could graph my blog
there would be so many ups and downs

mostly downs

why is it that i always fall back into the same habit?
always
things go well
and then my relationship with God falters
my relationships with people falter
i spend more and more time alone until
everyday i am alone
right now i`m alone
well, yes, it`s past one in the morning
but a long time ago, i would be out and about at this hour
at a friend`s house
at a bowling alley
at dangoojang [mahah]
at jack in the box
qfc, maybe ..
somewhere
anywhere
anywhere but alone

then i talk with God
and i feel even more alone
there are times when i am so in tune with Him
and then the next minute i feel so far
why can`t i keep a level faith?
why can`t i stay within God`s bubble?

what am i doing that makes me stray?

i read my previous blogs
and i have not grown
i had a little spurt two years ago
and then i shrunk again

once again i am back to the question
what am i doing with this life that He has given me?
what does He want me to do?
what do i want to do?
my path seemed so clear when i moved to korea
i had .. hope

i finished my training, started working, having what people so naturally call "friends"
then i stopped working and now i`m .. sitting

if i knew what i wanted to do, then i would know whether or not what i want follows what God wants
but because i don`t know what to do
i can`t seem to grasp what He wants me to do

do i need to study again?
do i need to go to seminary like my mom keeps saying?
is what she is saying what God wants for me?

every time ..
every time i feel like i know what i need to do
i fall into a hole
like a rabbit that`s being hunted
it knows it has to run
to move forward
and suddenly, it`s trapped

i`m not saying God is hunting me
i`m just saying that the rabbit knows what it has to do
and it does it with all it`s strength
but it unintentionally falls into a trap that it did not expect

what about birds?
they think that they`ve escaped the hunting dogs
that they`ve gotten past the danger
and then they are shot down by the unexpected hunter`s bullet

what is He preparing me for?
what has He prepared me for?

there`s a thunderstorm
with lightening
it`s loud
and it`s freaking me out
i can`t sleep .. but that`s a problem i`ve had for a while

i miss when i loved thunderstorms
i miss seattle
at gasworks park, in the rain
3 in the morning with two junior bacon cheeseburgers and curly fries
raspberry iced tea mixed with sprite [whatever, it`s not gross]
sitting at my special spot in the lake just off shore

.. i am hungry for some real burgers now

maybe i have been in korea for too long
two years .. is way too long to stay in a place i don`t feel is "home"

i`ve written about this before
where is "home" ?
i don`t belong in korea
i can`t get used to it
it`s been two years and i`m still saying
"back in the states.."
i miss costco
real beef jerky
real starbucks
real burger king
jack in the box
i miss pho
oh, pho

but then
the states isn`t my home
i`m not a citizen there
i don`t have a house
or family that would take me in

south america is where i grew up
where i used to have dual citizenship
but i`m sure that expired years ago
i only remember bits and pieces
and the food
cheese empanadas with powdered sugar coating [no, it`s awesome. really.]
calzones
and the steak
the most amazing steak i have ever eaten
was in south america

but it still isn`t my home

mexico?
not even on the list of possible homes.

why do i only remember food?
maybe that`s the most important thing to me

but it`s true
i can`t eat korean food
rice .. banchan .. soup ..
rice .. banchan .. soup .....
rice .... banchan .... soup .....


..
i wish i had more memories of my childhood
of my teenage years
of my early 20s
i don`t have memories
i have adaptions

and i can`t seem to
adapt as well as i used to
i blame seattle
for letting me stay for 10 years
my moving and adapting skills have gotten dull

have you seen the movie
"the man from earth" ?
i hate it, personally, because it`s blatantly offensive
but in it, the main character is actually a neanderthal that has "evolved" continuously
and has lived for 1400 years
he stopped aging at around 35, so he never died and kept on living through the ages
and then once villages emerged and became towns, cities, and the present-day world
[the movie says 2007, but it looks like it`s been made in like 1980]
he can`t stay in one place for too long
obviously because he doesn`t age
so he moves every 10 years
[this is my point]
he is accustomed to moving, to leaving people behind
and he is also used to being kicked out of places because of his .. condition

now i lost my train of thought because i thought too hard about a stupid movie
i got my point, but i forget where i was going with it

maybe it was the subject of belonging somewhere
or not being able to belong
of nowhere being home
or of everywhere being home .. for a short while

i don`t remember

maybe i should have been born a gypsy
[what`s that movie where brad pitt is a gypsy and he talks weird?
i saw it but i can`t remember the title]

i think it`s time to move again
when i moved to korea
i moved to chuncheon
then from chuncheon to seoul, mokdong
then from mokdong to mullaedong
then from mullaedong to where i am now, incheon

in two years, i moved 3 times
and now
i feel like the time to get out of this country is coming soon

if i am to move
i would like to go to each country that i have missionary aunts and uncles
for 2 months each

starting with malaysia . again
i loved malaysia
the missionary`s family
the kids in university
the struggle against islam that keeps Christians on their toes

then to thailand
the philippines
india

and then
to france .. study french some more
and go to senegal
then from senegal to haiti

from haiti to australia, new zealand
then ..
to russia to study russian some more
so i can go to kazakhstan, kyrgyzstan, and uzbekistan

finally, i will go to greece
to rest
and to hide forever

just kidding
i won`t hide forever




or maybe i`ll get married and not even be able to go to all these countries
but no
i doubt that
i should be okay if i escape my parents` arrangements

tehe [:








i always feel better
when i think about going to different countries
does that say something ?

please tell me

745 days

yep .
745 .

.. it`s july .



save me from time .



p . s .
i hate colbie caillat .
i never told you
should have never been created .
ever .

blue eyes .. has nothing to do with me ..
but .
still .

D:<


p . p . s
i`m trying to download naruto shippuden (raw) .
but utorrent is being a bum .
D:<    x 3458782347982 .

at least i`m up to date with one piece .
[ insert super big smile ] .

from april to may

well.
i don`t even know if people read this blog anymore..
my thousands of readers probably all think i`m dead.
(:

but i still want to post ..
for the sake of posting
for the sake of feeling as though i am still, in some odd, twisted way, connected with the outside world.

i`ve done a lot of thinking this past month while taking a break. i stopped working in april and now, in may, i`m once again looking for a place to lavish my english skills on children. that sounds so incredibly .. not humble. but hey, that`s how it is.

i still don`t know what i want to do. i still don`t know what i am going to do. i still don`t know what i should do. i`m just as lost as i was 6 years ago. actually, i`m even more lost than then. at least when i first started college, i had a certain goal in my mind. then the years passed & i gave up. on everything, everyone. then i had one hope. & that hope then gave up on me.

now, in korea, in 2012, when the world will probably be destroyed [oh ha ha], i stand in the middle of a busy street full of busy people living busy lives, & i wonder ..
i don`t even know what i wonder about. i just wonder. i just sit at the window of starbucks, drinking my iced grande triple caramel macchiato, watching people with goals pass by me. does it seem strange that i would rather relive my past than jump into an unsure future filled with dreams and mysteries? does it seem pathetic that i let the past control my actions instead of having the future lead me?

yes, it does seem strange. yes, it does seem pathetic.

but through everything
the most strange, pathetic thing is the fact that
i have not learned anything from my mistakes.

my mistakes have remained as mistakes. my hurt has remained as hurt.
my maturity has remained as immature as the day i was born.
but it`s no longer innocence.
i lost that .. a long time ago.

now, i`m just as bruised, torn, broken, and shattered as the next person, except that my path to healing has been as bruised, torn, broken, and shattered. a road to healing filled with broken glass, thistles, trash, remains of my past, and black holes that represent my future. since when have i become this hopeless, this scared? i have no idea and i really don`t care to know .. how am i going to get myself out of this .. is no longer the question.

so what is the question ?
that i don`t know either ..




why haven`t i learned anything?
why haven`t i changed in any way?
why am i just as scared and immature as i have always been?

what have i done with my life?
what am i going to do with the rest of it?


i am
so apologetic
to God.