eternal

sunshine
of the
spotless
mind












i didn`t understand it when i first watched it in high school
i thought that it was the most
eternally long
boring movie
ever
i fell asleep in the middle so i didn`t even know what it was about

then suddenly i wanted to watch it again today

      i don`t know why

but i wanted to
and in watching it again

the erasing
the deleting

that desire to forget
against the desire to hang on

the frantic fight against obliteration

i understand it now
& it kills me
that it`s a happy ending




i remember
wanting to forget
thinking of ways
scenarios
imagining happenings
desperately hoping for something
an accident
a coma
anything



i wonder
if i would have fought in the end like joel

but i`m too weak
i probably wouldn`t have
& that would be the best for me

if only it was possible

if only it is

.

to forget that i ever had this feeling